The famously sardonic American author, public speaker and actor, 73, on happiness, bad ideas and life-boosting nature of friendship

I had a very happy childhood – I know that’s against the law. Everybody is suited to certain times of life and I was very suited to being a child. I am very suited to having no responsibilities.

I was really looking forward to my first day at kindergarten. I was only five. The day ended with me sitting in the corner with a Band-Aid over my mouth and holding up a sign saying: “I am a chatterbox.” Now I get paid for what I was punished for.

I grew up in a small town in New Jersey – a very beautiful, old pre-revolutionary war town. There was a portrait of George Washington in every single public room of every single building in the entire town. George Washington was a big part of my childhood.

Algebra was the end of school for me. I only had half a brain. Fractions were hard enough. I still count on my fingers.

I stopped playing the cello after my grandmother gave me a Pablo Casals record. When I heard what could be done on that instrument I thought, forget it, I could never do that. I am a perfectionist – and not just with myself.

Nothing is more contagious than a bad idea.

Happiness is a sensation, a fleeting thing. To me, it’s a pleasure, and there are moments of pleasure and sometimes even days of pleasure. I’m not like, “Why am I not happy all the time?” That’s a thing that came from Los Angeles.

I am a very angry person. I am angry almost all the time, especially when I’m not alone. I know my anger is disproportionate and I don’t express it. I knew from a really young age: do not act on this.

It’s imperative to me that people I spend time with have a good sense of humour. I don’t mean that they’re funny. I just mean that they know that things can be funny. Most things, other than tragedy, of which there is an over-abundance, are funny.

I hate money. I hate it physically; I hate having to earn it. But I’m also extremely materialistic, so I hate money, but I love things, you know? Like clothes, apartments…

People used to say, “If I was a millionaire…” Now they say, “If I was a billionaire…” I always say to these people: “Do you know how much a billion is?” And they really don’t. A couple of years ago I heard the word trillion. No one should ever use that word unless they are an astronomer.

Romantic relationships are not choices, they are some chemical response you have to someone. Friendships are, to me, the most important relationships in life, because they are the only wholly chosen relationships. I believe I am an excellent friend.

Toni Morrison was a very close friend of mine. She probably had the biggest influence on me – she was one of the few people I actually listened to. When she died I spoke at her memorial service. I said: “For more than 40 years she was at least two of my four closest friends.” She was also the only wise person I have ever known and she just had this immense humanity. She once said to me, “You are always right, but never fair.” What she meant was I don’t give everybody the same credence for just being human. And that’s true, I don’t. But she did.

I find any food preparation to be immensely tedious. But, of course, I love to eat.

I absolutely don’t care about how I’m remembered. I think people who care about this believe in life after death, which means you don’t believe in death. To me, it’s like someone asking me what I’d like for dinner after I die. You know what? I’m good.